Secret Asian Man

Week ending 4/18/08:

Spring is in the air, except on Amtrak. Same old funky sights, sounds and smells. No flowers or fragrant bouquets. It's actually a weird time for the climate control measures on board. There's never a sure measure at this time of year to keep the heating system toasty or crank up the AC. In any case, we railers are left to our own diversions and distractions, responsible for own comfort. At least the crowds have not been overwhelming and traffic control seems under control.

We are lucky not to be subject to what appears to be a "normal" commute on the Tokyo Railroad. A recently posted video demonstrates the pushing and shoving that is required to jam as many railers into a car as possible. Literally , like sardines in a can! It starts with the commuters themselves leaning, then pushing, then jamming each other forward into the car like a railer scrum. It's completed when a transit cop squishes the last few remaining limbs, clothing and any other body part into the car and tries to force the doors closed, again almost bursting at the seems! The Auschwitz rail road accommodations appears spacious by comparison! Here's a link. It's unbelievable. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE35onlIySk.

One note worthy event occurred this week during the morning excursion into the city. It involved one of the regulars, Secret Asian Man ("SAM"). He gets on in Philly and heads to Gotham. He usually sits in the same seat and snuggles in quickly to catch a nap, never making a sound until someone disturbs the sanctity of the Quiet Car. Then he springs into action. Out of his seat like a shot out of a cannon and into the space of the offending rule breaker. He has actually taken over for Nona the Hatchet Lady when it comes to enforcing the peace (Nona is nona longer a railer). Anyway, SAM does his thing when he hears the cell phone and this time, the non-compliant perp is a very Afro-centric black woman, in her 30's with plenty of attitude to share! Sort of like Cleopatra Jones! Not only did she NOT appreciate a reminder of the "no cell phone" prohibition, but she took personal offence to this perceived intrusion, and the minute her phone conversation was completed, she was out of her seat and in the air space of SAM. She read him the riot act, talking a mile-a-minute and sticking her 4-inch nail-enhanced finger in his face. She warned him that if he ever did that again to her, she would view that as an assault where she would be forced to defend herself and that he would suffer the consequences! Now SAM is no shrinking violet and he decides to "holla back" in Secret Asian Man lingo. No one (accept an associate of SAM's who was sitting next to him) knows what-the-heck he's saying, but its sounds fierce! The next thing, a new player, Mr. Clean, jumps into the fray. He's a 50-something, 6'2", 250 lb. white guy, with a bald head, no neck and dressed all in black. He looks like he's sent from central casting as a former special-ops guy brought out of retirement and recruited by the CIA to save the world. He just stands there next to Cleopatra, his arms folded across his massive chest, not saying a word. He didn't have to. His expression said "if there's a problem, maybe you want me to fix it." Cleopatra and SAM both sat down and Mr.Clean went back to his paper. The rest of us go back to sleep.

Am-trick

Week ending 3/14/08:

What a week in New York! The steam-rolling gov became the steamy rolling ex-gov! Apparently, Governor Spitzer was a little to fond of young party girls. Now a 22-year old "Kristen", a.k.a. Ashley Dupre gets to join Judith Exner, Fanny Fox, Donna Rice and Monica Lewinsky in the ranks of infamous political paramours.

Part of Spitzers' ongoing legal dilemma stems from his use of Amtrak to provide interstate transport of his party favors, a felony in violation of the Mann Act (ironic name for the law, isn't it). According to news reports, Ms. Dupre was given (courtesy of the gov) round trip Amtrak tickets from New York to Washington D.C. for the purpose of meeting him in his Mayflower Hotel room. The F.B.I. had recorded detailed conversations between Spitzer and the booking service used to secure the attention of Ms. Dupre and his repeated use of Amtrak as his love connection. I found it interesting that Spitzer wouldn't pay to upgrade the ticket to Acela. I mean, $1,000 an hour hookers are only provided so much accommodation. Now, I'm wondering how many regular commuters are scratching their heads trying to recall if they have seen this tattooed cutie on their ride out of Penn Station. My guess is a lot more young, attractive and unattached woman traveling to D.C. are going to be given the hairy eyeball by those "lonely" businessmen interested in becoming friends.

Moral Imperative

Week ending 2/15/08:

Rude behavior has become a part of daily commuting. At some point in the week, one is sure to encounter a level of trespass that can range from minor annoyance to confrontation that can escalate to assault. When is it right to step in, to intervene at the potential cost of a more serious loss? Is it worth losing your life to say "you can't do that?" The answer lies within one's heart, within one's soul. Most action is an instinctive reaction to the stimuli of our environment and our sense of right and wrong. Throw in the "character" thing and some compound of DNA that cries out for justice and you have the imperfect recipe that can make a hero. Hopefully, there is some balanced measure that adjusts and moderates our call to duty. For example, an obnoxious and inconsiderate rider who decides to play their funky music should receive a different response than the menace who threatens someone else's safety. In your attempt to stop a fiend, he pulls a pistol and shoots you through the heart. Would your spouse say that it was worth the sacrifice? None the less, our moral indignation demands that we come to the defense of the defenseless.

We have countless examples of self-sacrifice, including the fictional Aslan of Narnia, Star Wars and Harry Potter, all of whom thinly-veil the Christ-model of giving of yourself so others may live. Chances are that not every intervention requires mortal consequence. As a society, I believe we are all called to a higher good. As French writer Alexis de Tocqueville obseved, "America is great, because America is good. If America ceases to be good, America will cease to be great." In my view, our citizenry is America. This week's tragic shooting at Northern Illinois University rekindled my memory of other senseless encounters where a crazed or delusional lunatic rained death and destruction on the innocent. It was in 1993 that Colin Ferguson casually strolled the aisle of a Long Island Railroad car, opening fire on evening commuters. He killed 6 and wounded 19 before being overpowered by three heroic railers. This incident is only one example where an armed civil patrol could have minimized the loss of life, but that issue shall be reserved for a future missive.

Sights and Sounds of the Season

Week Ending 12/7/07:

Good tidings and Season's Greetings to all you busy shoppers, anxious commuters and Holiday travelers. The city is aglow with Christmas spirit. Just this week I saw the rats on an "E" train platform shredding up some ribbon and the wrapping paper from an errant present dropped by an absent-minded railer. They love Hickory Farms!

Mrs. Twain and I came into the city to see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and catch a Holiday concert at the Metropolitan Museum of Art performed by Chanticleer. This group presents 12 male voices that are unsurpassed in their range and clarity, and when they blend, it's like butta. If you wonder what the angels singing in Heaven will be like, here it is!

My fellow railers have been, for the most part, pretty congenial and accommodating these recent days. I've seen a number of random acts of kindness this week: giving up seats so families can sit together, helping load and store luggage, and a few more smiles representing a temporary willingness to be tolerant for annoying behavior. I guess we can call it "good will toward people"! One exception does come to mind, however, and I'm the guilty party. I was on my way to NY, when a young woman, probably late 20's, joined me in Philadelphia. She wanted to sit on the inside seat next to the window, which was fine by me. She's a female Gilbert Gottfried. I'll call her Gilda. Gilda Gottfried. Squinty eyes, and squirming in her seat. She couldn't sit still and no sooner did she take her seat, she began to complain. She's wedged into the seat to begin with, and while balancing a grande latte in her left hand, she began to try and remove her coat, maneuvering around a large computer bag on her lap, and an oversized handbag at her feet. To her credit, she succeeded without spilling a drop. She also brought with her a consistent sniffle and throat-clearing exercise every, oh say, minute and a half, without exception. It was one of those bad coke sniffles with bronchitis-like sounds that draws the congestion deep into her lungs. Did I mention that adding to the disturbance was the constant whining about the train conditions. "It's too hot in here. It's very hot. Why is it so hot in here" and on and on she went. Also "It's very tight in here. There's not much room in these seats. Why is it so tight in here?" Needless to say, she made an impression on me. Since I didn't have a good answer for her, I simply took out a tablet and began writing my Christmas list. Nothing puts me in a better mood, and before I knew it, we had arrived in Gotham.

Deaf Becomes You

Week ending 4/27/07:

"What? I can't hear you. What did you say?" Get ready, because that will be the attempted conversation of the future. Unfortunately, a generation of deafness is being created right before our eyes. Truly a "Night of the Living Deaf." What can we point to as the catalyst? The ubiquitous iPod, turned up so loud that others don't need those little ear buds (other than maybe to try and block out the noise pollution created by the thumping beat or profane rap lyrics.) The music can be heard throughout a 4 or 5 seat radius on the train. Females seem to be more attached, and thus, more susceptible. These "dec-i-belles" must really love their tunes, demonstrated by the pump-up-the-volume tendencies. I can only imagine what it must sound like to the masochist torturing their ears. None of them seem to mind however. They keep toe-tapping and head-bobbing away, keeping the beat while their eardrums are blown out like the rear car speakers in a '91 Honda. All of this means the rest of us should be investing in the cocular implant business. The specialists relegated to treating these conditions will have to change their specialty to "iEars, nose and throat."