White Collar Hobo

B&O Railroad

2008-10-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

Week Beginning 10/27/08:

Many railers don't know that the B&O (Baltimore & Ohio) Railroad was the first railroad in the country. It was the first to take the country on a rail ride and now, the country is facing a new B&O Express (Barack & Obama)that plans to railroad the American public so a woefully inexperienced and left-leaning world citizen with a paper-thin resume can reside in the White House.

My frustration is not with a political philosophy that differs from my own, but rather, the deception involved in trying to make a candidate's beliefs more acceptable to the average voter. In an attempt to throw a switch and re-route this political freight train-turned-Acela, I shall address several issues that have been presented as the Gospel according to St. Barack.

95% of Americans will get a tax cut. Huh? When 40% of the population doesn't pay income taxes, a check from the federal government is nothing but a transfer payment. It's the whole wealth-transfer discussion. Obama wants to tax those making too much (by his definition) to be able to send a check to others. It has nothing to do with tax reduction. Also, the repeal of current Bush tax rate reductions is a tax increase, not to mention increasing capital gains tax rates and increased social security taxes.

Sarah Palin is unqualified to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency. Double huh? Her resume is significantly deeper and more relevant than BO himself and he's applying for the job of the heartbeat of the Presidency! It's a joke to use this as a reason to vote for the Obama ticket. Examine Joe Biden! Can he make any more foot-in-the-mouth gaffes? Plus, he has 36 years of being wrong, and it's usually on foreign policy! Experience only counts when it puts you on the correct side of a decision.

Eight years of failed economic polices. Hello! American family net worth had grown by $20 TRILLION during the last 8 years prior to the economic calamity of the last two months. This exceptional growth was AFTER the dotcom bubble-burst and recession, 9/11, and funding an expensive war on terror! This is an economic failure? The financial mess that has dominated the markets is the result of social engineering that was mandated by Democrats in control (Frank and Dodd) of key oversight committees so that more "disadvantaged" people could obtain home loans. This pressure combined with selected institutional greed and corruption overextended the capacity of the system.

The worse economic environment since the Great Depression. Wrong again. 1987 was worse. It represented a larger % decrease in the Dow. Also, unemployment in 1980 was 11%, significantly higher than the current rate and the prime interest rate was 21%! Some analysts have opined that the market continues to be resistant to the Federal rescue plan due to fears over an Obama administration and the expectation of an increasing deficit and new taxes.

Past acquaintances don't matter. Isn't a big part of executive decision making involved with making judgements? Particularly when you have large political ambitions. The Big O's track record on this count has been dismal: Ayers, Wright, ACORN, Khalidi and Rezko to name a few. If he can allow himself to be associated with these questionable "colleagues", then deny his relationships, this has to call into question his judgement, voracity and character.

He's a genius! He can read a teleprompter extremely well, but so can an evening news person. When caught on his own, he seems very mortal, offering the usual amount of himming and hawing. He generally repeats the same talking points and mentions change, with very few real details. I'm sure he's bright, but genius, not!

Let me make this perfectly clear! This is a speech habit that means that the next thing out of his mouth is a boldface lie. It's like the person who claims "It's not about the money." In that case, it's always about the money.

He's even-keeled and doesn't seem to get rattled. This only applies when he knows the environment will be friendly. Whenever he's challanged, he's VERY uncomfortable. His eyes narrow and his body language changes and he gets VERY TESTY. He clearly doesn't like to be admonished or have his positions questioned. He generally pushes the interviewer by saying he wants to make his point. He'll say, "Now hold on a minute" and will continue with his talking points. Many said he came out of the Washington conclave during the bailout discussions with very little to say and appeared at a loss as to what to do.

All Aboard! Let's hope not!

The Color of Money

2008-10-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

Week Beginning 10/27/08:

Many in the media are proclaiming that the election is over. Mrs. Twain and I don't buy it for a second. I believe it could be a landslide for McCain, with Obama winning only 13 states. The mainstream media, of course, wants to try and influence the undecided lemmings and publishes that Obama has a double-digit lead in some polls and that all that is left is to plan the inauguration. In fact, stories have been printed that describe the victory rallies that are being planned. "It's money in the bank," they say. The question I pose, however, "What is the new color of money?"

In my view, the answer is red. This is because the money we're seeing in this election is being promised to be taken from one group and is to be handed ("handout") over to another, and what should ordinarily be prosecuted as larceny becomes re-characterized as "fairness". This "spreading of the wealth" via someone else's pocketbook sure does not pass the smell test (a "red tide"). Now some have raised an issue (a "red herring?") that if you criticize Mr. Obama, then you are really racist and just can't deal with voting for a person of color. What color is Barack Obama? Again, like money, it's red!

Obama has run on a message of change, one where he claims to present new ideas for fixing the problems in Washington. He has done a marvelous job, along with a schoolgirl exuberant and complacent mainstream media, of perpetrating this myth. I submit that everything he has presented is a re-hash of very old ideas, ones that we saw from FDR, LBJ, WJC, the French Revolution and KHM (Karl Heinrich Marx). How "new" is it for BHO (Barack H. Obama) to tell the middle class (nee proletariat) that they have been taken advantage of by greedy capitalists. That it's not fair that they don't have a better life, and that it's government's job, in fact, its government's responsibility to help give the people a leg up! He even trumpets wanting to grow the economy "from the bottom up, not from the top down." Can he point to a national economy that has prospered in this way? The idea in this country that has fueled our economic engine as the envy of the world is the dream and the desire to become rich, to make it to the top. People on the bottom can make it to the top if their ambition is not quashed by a system of over-regulation and taxation, and when bureaucrats believe they create jobs and are needed to control the show.

This, my dear readers, is not, in my view the role of government. It seems to me that government's social role should help those truly in need and not able to help themselves. It should not be in the business of trying to create a bigger class of needy! Yet that is the step-progression in a socialist society: segregation, confiscation, re-distribution and then, elimination of opposition (The Fairness Doctrine). The message from Obama embraces these tenants. His writings, associations and now, through recently released audio tapes of interviews given when he was an adjunct law professor (2001), proves beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is not the centrist reformer he claims to be.

Color BHO a very scarlet red! A Democratic executive branch, coupled with a super majority in the Senate and control of the House would bring a whirlwind of new spending and social engineering (listen to Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi). Obama has said that "the Constitution is fundamentally flawed" as it relates to issues of race discrimination. His litmus test for the Federal judiciary and Supreme Court nominees will be a dozy!

All of this "red-or-ic" also changes the color of money. This has been a record-breaking campaign haul and media spend. The ability to buy advertising time and present uninterrupted infomercial-style collectivism propaganda by BHO is part of this political "obamination." Donors give in order to get. The more they get from someone else's W-2, the more we slip into the self-perpetuation of dependent constituencies. Witness the almost universally accepted belief that "progressive" taxes are "fair!" "They can afford to pay more" is the mantra. That's why liberals prefer to call themselves progressives!

Off to College

2008-10-27T05:13:00.000-07:00

Week Beginning 10/27/08:

I'm riding the rails south today, headed to a meeting in D.C. As I get closer to our nation's capital, I'm thinking of the power that resides here, and the sense of the upcoming election is almost overwhelming. This election represents so many critical outcomes that will have a major bearing on the future of our Republic. The economy and the role of our federal overseers, international trade and tariffs, national security, foreign policy, taxation, and judicial appointments that will steer the social contract will all be on the table.

As I ponder the weight and responsibility that each citizen has to become an informed voter, it dawned on me that very few of those that will be pulling the lever for the candidate of their choice knows anything about the history or operations of our electoral college, the proces and institution that actually decides the next caretaker of the Oval Office. Try this on for size:

The 1888 Presidential election was very close. Democratic party candidate President Grover Cleveland and running mate Allen G. Thurman of Ohio won the popular election by 95,713 votes. President Cleveland, however, was not re-elected because he lost the electoral college vote by 65 votes. Instead Benjamin Harrison, former senator from Indiana and the Grandson of President William Henry Harrison, was elected as the 23rd President of the United States.

Today a President must win 270 electoral votes, a majority, to become President. If no candidate wins a majority of electoral votes, the 12th Amendment to the Constitution provides for Presidential election by the House of Representatives with each State delegation receiving one vote. Twice in our history, the House of Representatives has chosen the President -- Thomas Jefferson's election in 1801 and John Quincy Adams' election in 1825.

The first constitutional crisis occurred when Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr received the same number of electoral votes. Even though they were both Republicans and Jefferson was chosen as the Presidential candidate and Burr as the Vice Presidential candidate, it took the House of Representatives 36 successive ballots to finally elect Thomas Jefferson as President. Twenty-four years later, again no candidate received a 131 vote majority of electoral votes needed to become President. In this case, the House of Representatives voted for John Quincy Adams over Andrew Jackson and William H. Crawford on the first ballot.

These instances in our political history remind us of the important role that the Electoral College plays in electing a President. Few voters know that the National Archives and Records Administration (NARA) is the repository for essential evidence that documents the rights of American citizens, the actions of Federal officials and the national experience. A little known function of NARA, however, is the administration of the Electoral College by the Office of the Federal Register. As part of the documentation of the rights of American citizens, the Federal Register plays a key role in ensuring that the complicated and sometimes confusing steps in the electoral process are followed exactly.

The Electoral College was devised by the founding fathers as a compromise between the election of a President by popular vote and by the Congress. The College currently consists of 538 electors -- based on the total number of Representatives and Senators, plus three District of Columbia electors. U.S. territories are not represented in the College. The electors are a popularly elected body chosen by the states and the District of Columbia on the day of the general election
(November 2nd). The slate of electors for the Presidential candidate who receives the most popular votes is recorded on a Certificate of Ascertainment.

Rather than directly voting for the President and Vice President, United States citizens cast votes for electors. Electors are technically free to vote for anyone eligible to be President, but in practice pledge to vote for specific candidates and voters cast ballots for favored presidential and vice presidential candidates by voting for correspondingly pledged electors. Most states allow voters to choose between statewide slates of electors pledged to vote for the presidential and vice presidential tickets of various parties; the ticket that receives the most votes statewide 'wins' all of the votes cast by electors from that state. U.S. presidential campaigns concentrate on winning the popular vote in a combination of states that choose a majority of the electors, rather than campaigning to win the most votes nationally.

Each elector casts one vote for President and one vote for Vice President. In order to be elected, a candidate must have a majority (at least 270) of the electoral votes cast for that office. Should no candidate for President win a majority of the electoral votes, the choice is referred to the House of Representatives. Should no candidate for Vice President possess a majority of the electoral votes, the choice is given to the Senate.

The next step is for the electors in each State to meet to cast their votes (this year it will be on December 15th). Certificates of Vote are prepared listing all persons voted for as President and as Vice President and the number of electors voting for each candidate.

NARA plays an important role in educating the states regarding their responsibilities vis a vis the Electoral College. It also ensures the facial sufficiency of the Certificates of Ascertainment and the Certificates of Vote and controls the integrity of the Certificates by limiting the number of people handling the documents. It is responsible for transmitting two of the original Certificates of Ascertainment to the House and Senate and making one original available for public inspection at the Federal Register. Finally, NARA ensures that all 538 electoral votes are accounted for on the Certificates of Vote and are delivered to the Congress to be unsealed and counted on the date of the official tally
(January 6th).

After one year the Certificates of Ascertainment and the Certificates of Vote are placed in the permanent custody of NARA where they serve as an enduring testimonial to the strength and resilience of our political system.

God Bless America!!!

Training to be President

2008-10-27T04:24:00.000-07:00

Week Ending 10/24/08:

During the closing days of this presidential campaign season, I can’t help but think about how the American people reach their conclusions regarding the candidates. During the first half of the 20th century trains became a big part of gaining public exposure. Remember, these were the days prior to easy airline connections, cable news, internet blogs and cell phones. Radio, almost non-existent TV and print newspapers were the only mediums to project a message, and all of those mass communications were controlled by a few media titans.
Trains became the way to traverse the country to see the people, making stops in both large metro areas as well as rural stations along the way. At one time, the private Pullman car on a special train was for the president what Air Force One is today, allowing him freedom to make important trips, campaign for re-election, and to do the nation's business wherever he was needed.

John Quincy Adams was the first to ride a train and Harry Truman became the last “railroad president”, although Bill Clinton decided to do a little barnstorming of his own and created several photo ops reminiscent of FDR. Truman’s successors learned to depend on the automobile and airplanes to travel.
The issues, too frequently, become a secondary consideration for many voters. When asked, these information-intolerant ballot casters have responded “I just like him.” Likeability, however, can be overcome by other qualities or circumstances, as demonstrated by Hoover, LBJ and Nixon. Some folks base their decision on a candidate’s military service. Examples such as Washington, Jackson, Grant, Teddy Roosevelt and Eisenhower come to mind. Others weigh public service as a critical experience factor, i.e., Adams, Van Buren, Buchanan , and Polk. Communicators carry the day as well with Reagan, FDR and Clinton being the best. How about academics: Jefferson, Madison and Wilson . Sometimes it’s just plain speaking “common sense” that resonates with the people: Lincoln, Coolidge, Truman and Carter. For others, it’s good looks and charisma, witness Kennedy and Pierce.

Picking a president should be serious business. It should represent the elevation of the candidate that wins the most electoral college votes. It should not be a subverted or corrupted outcome, where ineligible voters are allowed to cast an invalid claim, or where the candidates themselves, camouflage their real identities and agendas. I’d prefer each pretender, I mean, contender, to clearly define what they believe and let each voter decide based on a transparent platform.
Whoever wins, somewhere between 45 -49% of the electorate will be unhappy, a number much too large for the winner to claim an overwhelming mandate. The party that comes out on the short end of the stick will believe that their horse was robbed, cheated and disenfranchised and will have to bear the emotional scars for four long years. Let's hope that the political process has not degenerated to a point where large blocks of voters will not acknowledge the validity of the election results, when each state’s tally’s will be called into question and will resort in lawlessness and anarchy.

RevOlation of Politics

2008-07-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

Week ending 7/27/08:

Greetings faithful railers! It's been many miles since my last entry, but here I am, motivated to share a story or two. It appears my great trek northbound has come to a halt. My work in Gotham has been concluded (at least that chapter)so I find myself parked in Charm City. Politics can be a blood sport, and not for the glass-jawed. Whether this is a temporary condition remains to be seen. I still have mucho rapido reward miles to redeem should the need arise. I am currently working on a couple of locally flavored assignments, so time will tell.

While consuming my usual diet of magazines, newspapers and blogs during the commute de jour, I've been amazed with the frenzy of media coverage surrounding the B&O Express. You know, that Barack Obama-rama that has the media acting like schoolgirls at a Beatles concert (circa 1964). I was particularly moved by my blogging colleague, Gerard Bakers' brilliant piece in the Times of London. Here we go. It's a beaut:

AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY, BARACK RESTED
By GERARD BAKER
Last updated: 2:54 pm
July 27, 2008
Posted: 3:56 am
July 27, 2008

And it came to pass, in the eighth year of the reign of the evil Bush the Younger (The Ignorant), when the whole land from the Arabian desert to the shores of the Great Lakes had been laid barren, that a Child appeared in the wilderness.

The Child was blessed in looks and intellect. Scion of a simple family, offspring of a miraculous union, grandson of a typical white person and an African peasant. And yea, as he grew, the Child walked in the path of righteousness, with only the occasional detour into the odd weed and a little blow.

When he was twelve years old, they found him in the temple in the City of Chicago, arguing the finer points of community organization with the Prophet Jeremiah and the Elders. And the Elders were astonished at what they heard and said among themselves: "Verily, who is this Child that he opens our hearts and minds to the audacity of hope?"

In the great Battles of Caucus and Primary he smote the conniving Hillary, wife of the deposed King Bill the Priapic and their barbarian hordes of Working Class Whites.

And so it was, in the fullness of time, before the harvest month of the appointed year, the Child ventured forth - for the first time - to bring the light unto all the world.

He traveled fleet of foot and light of camel, with a small retinue that consisted only of his loyal disciples from the tribe of the Media. He ventured first to the land of the Hindu Kush, where the Taliban had harbored the viper of Al Qaeda in their bosom, raining terror on all the world.

And the Child spake and the tribes of NATO immediately loosed the Caveats that had previously bound them. And in the great battle that ensued the forces of the light were triumphant. For as long as the Child stood with his arms raised aloft, the enemy suffered great blows and the threat of terror was no more. From there he went forth to Mesopotamia where he was received by the great ruler al-Maliki, and al-Maliki spake unto him and blessed his Sixteen Month Troop Withdrawal Plan even as the imperial warrior Petraeus tried to destroy it.

And lo, in Mesopotamia, a miracle occurred. Even though the Great Surge of Armor that the evil Bush had ordered had been a terrible mistake, a waste of vital military resources and doomed to end in disaster, the Child's very presence suddenly brought forth a great victory for the forces of the light.

And the Persians, who saw all this and were greatly fearful, longed to speak with the Child and saw that the Child was the bringer of peace. At the mention of his name they quickly laid aside their intrigues and beat their uranium swords into civil nuclear energy ploughshares.

From there the Child went up to the city of Jerusalem, and entered through the gate seated on an ass. The crowds of network anchors who had followed him from afar cheered "Hosanna" and waved great palm fronds and strewed them at his feet.

In Jerusalem and in surrounding Palestine, the Child spake to the Hebrews and the Arabs, as the Scripture had foretold. And in an instant, the lion lay down with the lamb, and the Israelites and Ishmaelites ended their long enmity and lived for ever after in peace.

As word spread throughout the land about the Child's wondrous works, peoples from all over flocked to hear him; Hittites and Abbasids; Obamacons and McCainiacs; Cameroonians and Blairites.

And they told of strange and wondrous things that greeted the news of the Child's journey. Around the world, global temperatures began to decline, and the ocean levels fell and the great warming was over.

The Great Prophet Algore of Nobel and Oscar, who many had believed was the anointed one, smiled and told his followers that the Child was the one generations had been waiting for.

And there were other wonderful signs. In the city of the Street at the Wall, spreads on interbank interest rates dropped like manna from Heaven and rates on credit default swaps fell to the ground as dead birds from the almond tree, and the people who had lived in foreclosure were able to borrow again.

Black gold gushed from the ground at prices well below $140 per barrel. In hospitals across the land the sick were cured even though they were uninsured. And all because the Child had pronounced it.

And this is the testimony of one who speaks the truth and bears witness to the truth so that you might believe. And he knows it is the truth for he saw it all on CNN and the BBC and in the pages of The New York Times.

Then the Child ventured forth from Israel and Palestine and stepped onto the shores of the Old Continent. In the land of Queen Angela of Merkel, vast multitudes gathered to hear his voice, and he preached to them at length.

But when he had finished speaking his disciples told him the crowd was hungry, for they had had nothing to eat all the hours they had waited for him.

And so the Child told his disciples to fetch some food but all they had was five loaves and a couple of frankfurters. So he took the bread and the frankfurters and blessed them and told his disciples to feed the multitudes. And when all had eaten their fill, the scraps filled twelve baskets.

Thence he traveled west to Mount Sarkozy. Even the beauteous Princess Carla of the tribe of the Bruni was struck by awe and she was great in love with the Child, but he was tempted not.

On the Seventh Day he walked across the Channel of the Angles to the ancient land of the hooligans. There he was welcomed with open arms by the once great prophet Blair and his successor, Gordon the Leper, and his successor, David the Golden One.

And suddenly, with the men appeared the archangel Gabriel and the whole host of the heavenly choir, ranks of cherubim and seraphim, all praising God and singing: "Yes, We Can."

Secret Asian Man

2008-04-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

Week ending 4/18/08:

Spring is in the air, except on Amtrak. Same old funky sights, sounds and smells. No flowers or fragrant bouquets. It's actually a weird time for the climate control measures on board. There's never a sure measure at this time of year to keep the heating system toasty or crank up the AC. In any case, we railers are left to our own diversions and distractions, responsible for own comfort. At least the crowds have not been overwhelming and traffic control seems under control.

We are lucky not to be subject to what appears to be a "normal" commute on the Tokyo Railroad. A recently posted video demonstrates the pushing and shoving that is required to jam as many railers into a car as possible. Literally , like sardines in a can! It starts with the commuters themselves leaning, then pushing, then jamming each other forward into the car like a railer scrum. It's completed when a transit cop squishes the last few remaining limbs, clothing and any other body part into the car and tries to force the doors closed, again almost bursting at the seems! The Auschwitz rail road accommodations appears spacious by comparison! Here's a link. It's unbelievable. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BE35onlIySk.

One note worthy event occurred this week during the morning excursion into the city. It involved one of the regulars, Secret Asian Man ("SAM"). He gets on in Philly and heads to Gotham. He usually sits in the same seat and snuggles in quickly to catch a nap, never making a sound until someone disturbs the sanctity of the Quiet Car. Then he springs into action. Out of his seat like a shot out of a cannon and into the space of the offending rule breaker. He has actually taken over for Nona the Hatchet Lady when it comes to enforcing the peace (Nona is nona longer a railer). Anyway, SAM does his thing when he hears the cell phone and this time, the non-compliant perp is a very Afro-centric black woman, in her 30's with plenty of attitude to share! Sort of like Cleopatra Jones! Not only did she NOT appreciate a reminder of the "no cell phone" prohibition, but she took personal offence to this perceived intrusion, and the minute her phone conversation was completed, she was out of her seat and in the air space of SAM. She read him the riot act, talking a mile-a-minute and sticking her 4-inch nail-enhanced finger in his face. She warned him that if he ever did that again to her, she would view that as an assault where she would be forced to defend herself and that he would suffer the consequences! Now SAM is no shrinking violet and he decides to "holla back" in Secret Asian Man lingo. No one (accept an associate of SAM's who was sitting next to him) knows what-the-heck he's saying, but its sounds fierce! The next thing, a new player, Mr. Clean, jumps into the fray. He's a 50-something, 6'2", 250 lb. white guy, with a bald head, no neck and dressed all in black. He looks like he's sent from central casting as a former special-ops guy brought out of retirement and recruited by the CIA to save the world. He just stands there next to Cleopatra, his arms folded across his massive chest, not saying a word. He didn't have to. His expression said "if there's a problem, maybe you want me to fix it." Cleopatra and SAM both sat down and Mr.Clean went back to his paper. The rest of us go back to sleep.

Am-trick

2008-03-16T05:57:00.000-07:00

Week ending 3/14/08:

What a week in New York! The steam-rolling gov became the steamy rolling ex-gov! Apparently, Governor Spitzer was a little to fond of young party girls. Now a 22-year old "Kristen", a.k.a. Ashley Dupre gets to join Judith Exner, Fanny Fox, Donna Rice and Monica Lewinsky in the ranks of infamous political paramours.

Part of Spitzers' ongoing legal dilemma stems from his use of Amtrak to provide interstate transport of his party favors, a felony in violation of the Mann Act (ironic name for the law, isn't it). According to news reports, Ms. Dupre was given (courtesy of the gov) round trip Amtrak tickets from New York to Washington D.C. for the purpose of meeting him in his Mayflower Hotel room. The F.B.I. had recorded detailed conversations between Spitzer and the booking service used to secure the attention of Ms. Dupre and his repeated use of Amtrak as his love connection. I found it interesting that Spitzer wouldn't pay to upgrade the ticket to Acela. I mean, $1,000 an hour hookers are only provided so much accommodation. Now, I'm wondering how many regular commuters are scratching their heads trying to recall if they have seen this tattooed cutie on their ride out of Penn Station. My guess is a lot more young, attractive and unattached woman traveling to D.C. are going to be given the hairy eyeball by those "lonely" businessmen interested in becoming friends.

Track Attack

2008-03-01T02:25:00.000-08:00

Week Ending 2/29/08:

Amtrak recently announced that it will start randomly screening passengers' carry-on bags in a new security initiative designed to make our railing a happier, gentler and hopefully, bombless experience. Part of the push will include more police officers and army guards patrolling the rail stations with bomb-sniffing dogs and carrying fierce-looking weaponry - machine guns and the like, as well as special units called "mobile security teams" that will be trolling for terrorists on board.

It's all part of a significant shift for Amtrak with respect to giving the appearance of heightened security. In the past, of course, it's been a joke. Anyone (business commuter, students, weekday Broadway babies and shoppers of all ilks) can enjoy the ride by simply boarding a train. The extent of the "security" consisted of maybe having to show a ticket to an Amtrak ticket person, whose job is to try and make sure that the crush of humanity pushing to enter an escalator leading to the appropriate departure track, are each armed with a ticket bearing the correct train number. This is usually a "best efforts" attempt, since the desire is to get everyone down the shoot with a minimum of pushing, shoving and stampeding. Of course, all of this is a mere inconvenience to any would-be evil-doer, who has the options of (1) buying a ticket at the counter and then boarding; (2) buying a ticket at the kiosk and then boarding; or (3)just walking down one of the many staircases which lead to the tracks and are open to the public , none of which are staffed by anyone asking to see a ticket, and boarding, sans-ticket, if one chooses.

Keep in mind, that during a typical evening excursion from NY Penn Station to parts south, a railer is usually comfy in their seat, enjoying the scenery, for at least a half-hour to 40 minutes into the journey before a conductor comes along to collect tickets! So anyone with bad intentions has plenty of opportunity to make deadly mischief!

Under the new rules,the roving teams will show up, unannounced, and set up mobile screening stations. Passengers will be pulled out of line via random selection to have their bags screened. If a passenger refuses, then they won't be allowed on the train (how harsh). Of course, one way to avoid the screening is to avoid the line! I have not heard of any changes in keeping passengers from by-passing the lines, which I was able to do all this week, business as usual!

I would much rather see the investment made in an adequate number of specially-trained, super-sniffing K-9 units, patrolling the platforms and making a quick stroll though the train, prior to departure. As in most security issues, we are more lucky than good, and only through the grace of God do we reach our destination unscathed.

Moral Imperative

2008-02-16T07:24:00.000-08:00

Week ending 2/15/08:

Rude behavior has become a part of daily commuting. At some point in the week, one is sure to encounter a level of trespass that can range from minor annoyance to confrontation that can escalate to assault. When is it right to step in, to intervene at the potential cost of a more serious loss? Is it worth losing your life to say "you can't do that?" The answer lies within one's heart, within one's soul. Most action is an instinctive reaction to the stimuli of our environment and our sense of right and wrong. Throw in the "character" thing and some compound of DNA that cries out for justice and you have the imperfect recipe that can make a hero. Hopefully, there is some balanced measure that adjusts and moderates our call to duty. For example, an obnoxious and inconsiderate rider who decides to play their funky music should receive a different response than the menace who threatens someone else's safety. In your attempt to stop a fiend, he pulls a pistol and shoots you through the heart. Would your spouse say that it was worth the sacrifice? None the less, our moral indignation demands that we come to the defense of the defenseless.

We have countless examples of self-sacrifice, including the fictional Aslan of Narnia, Star Wars and Harry Potter, all of whom thinly-veil the Christ-model of giving of yourself so others may live. Chances are that not every intervention requires mortal consequence. As a society, I believe we are all called to a higher good. As French writer Alexis de Tocqueville obseved, "America is great, because America is good. If America ceases to be good, America will cease to be great." In my view, our citizenry is America. This week's tragic shooting at Northern Illinois University rekindled my memory of other senseless encounters where a crazed or delusional lunatic rained death and destruction on the innocent. It was in 1993 that Colin Ferguson casually strolled the aisle of a Long Island Railroad car, opening fire on evening commuters. He killed 6 and wounded 19 before being overpowered by three heroic railers. This incident is only one example where an armed civil patrol could have minimized the loss of life, but that issue shall be reserved for a future missive.

Training Rules

2008-01-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

Week Ending 1/25/08:

With the holidays behind us and the new year in full swing, I thought it was a good time to share my thoughts on some basic train etiquette that will assist all railers in a more enjoyable Amtrak experience. You remember etiquette, right? It does appear on occasion, and is becoming a lost art, or more accurately, an ignored accommodation. Webster defines etiquette as " the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life." While maybe not official, sharing the rails with others certainly seems to qualify as a social exchange that should require certain common courtesies. The word "etiquette", comes from Old French and means, quite literally, "ticket." Ironically, some ignorant or disrespectful train wrecks seem to believe their ticket entitles them to behave any way they please, with no regard for others.

Here are Lionel's suggested "Top 10" Training Rules:

1. Stay quiet in the quiet car. That means turn off your cell phone, stop talking with your friend who's sitting next to you. No paper shredding, snoring or other controllable body noises!

2. Don't leave trash. Does everyone need a nanny to pick up after themselves? Why people believe that it's too much effort to take their coffee cups, bottles, used napkins, candy wrappers, and believe it or not, pizza boxes, and that the railers who follow want to touch these germ-infested used paper products and dispose of them is beyond me.

3. Herding and pushing to get out of the car first. As wonderful as you think you are, you still can't ignore some basic laws of physics. No two bodies can take up the same space at the same time, so back off!

4. Throwing paper towels and toilet paper on the restroom sinks and floors. Come on, these facilities are bad enough, do we need to make them more of a mess?

5. Putting feet up on the seats. Do other railers really want to touch and sit where feet meet NYC streets? How do we spell "Yeeeeeeech"!

6. Blasting ipods so the sound pours out of the earbuds. I know you love your tunes, but x!@#$%^* and mother-x!@#$%&* is not my idea of music. Thanks, but don't share.

7. Letting kids run up and down the aisles. Not only annoying, but real dangerous for the kids, especially when shoeless. Enough of the "Britney School of Parenting".

8. Loud talking on cell phones. We know you're important, but please. Keep your affairs, both business and personal, to yourself. The rest of us are not interested in your dating life, account balances or dislike for your dysfunctional immediate family.

9. Return your seat backs and table trays to their original upright position. Where have we heard that? When you don't, it makes getting in and out of the seat next to you and behind you almost impossible.

10. When the train is sold-out or close to it, keep your bags, briefcases, coats and other stuff stored in the overhead shelves. Unless you have purchased more then one ticket, you're only entitled to one space. And save the dirty looks when you are asked to move your stuff so someone can occupy the seat.

If everyone would recognize and follow these common-sense guidelines, we'll all enjoy a more civil and comfortable commute in 2008 and beyond.

Sights and Sounds of the Season

2007-12-08T04:50:00.000-08:00

Week Ending 12/7/07:

Good tidings and Season's Greetings to all you busy shoppers, anxious commuters and Holiday travelers. The city is aglow with Christmas spirit. Just this week I saw the rats on an "E" train platform shredding up some ribbon and the wrapping paper from an errant present dropped by an absent-minded railer. They love Hickory Farms!

Mrs. Twain and I came into the city to see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center and catch a Holiday concert at the Metropolitan Museum of Art performed by Chanticleer. This group presents 12 male voices that are unsurpassed in their range and clarity, and when they blend, it's like butta. If you wonder what the angels singing in Heaven will be like, here it is!

My fellow railers have been, for the most part, pretty congenial and accommodating these recent days. I've seen a number of random acts of kindness this week: giving up seats so families can sit together, helping load and store luggage, and a few more smiles representing a temporary willingness to be tolerant for annoying behavior. I guess we can call it "good will toward people"! One exception does come to mind, however, and I'm the guilty party. I was on my way to NY, when a young woman, probably late 20's, joined me in Philadelphia. She wanted to sit on the inside seat next to the window, which was fine by me. She's a female Gilbert Gottfried. I'll call her Gilda. Gilda Gottfried. Squinty eyes, and squirming in her seat. She couldn't sit still and no sooner did she take her seat, she began to complain. She's wedged into the seat to begin with, and while balancing a grande latte in her left hand, she began to try and remove her coat, maneuvering around a large computer bag on her lap, and an oversized handbag at her feet. To her credit, she succeeded without spilling a drop. She also brought with her a consistent sniffle and throat-clearing exercise every, oh say, minute and a half, without exception. It was one of those bad coke sniffles with bronchitis-like sounds that draws the congestion deep into her lungs. Did I mention that adding to the disturbance was the constant whining about the train conditions. "It's too hot in here. It's very hot. Why is it so hot in here" and on and on she went. Also "It's very tight in here. There's not much room in these seats. Why is it so tight in here?" Needless to say, she made an impression on me. Since I didn't have a good answer for her, I simply took out a tablet and began writing my Christmas list. Nothing puts me in a better mood, and before I knew it, we had arrived in Gotham.

Fare Weathered Friends

2007-11-17T04:51:00.000-08:00

Week Ending 11/16/07:

We are always hearing about the terrible budget condition that Amtrak finds itself facing. Hostile non-railers in Congress want to trim more of the federal subsidy (leave it to Washington to bite the hand that feeds it, i.e., commuters getting to work in order to feed the FICA-monster) and make it more of a burden on us, over-taxed working poor! And while were at it, lets throw on a bigger helping of AMT to boot-- which makes me boot! Sorry, I digress. The Amtrak planners demonstrated their lack of Econ 101 when they boosted the cost of monthly rail passes. Mine was raised by 64% over a 15-month period. Their published explanation was that monthly ticket holders were receiving too large a discount over the regular round-tripper and that raising the fares was fairer. Huh? They also stated that this increase in ticket-toll would help make up some of the revenue shortfall. Prices were raised even after a consultant's report was released that stated that the increased monthly rail passes would, at best, be revenue-neutral. The additional squeezing of the faithfully departing, would be countered by the lost ridership of those who squealed "Enough" and left the rail system altogether. So far, no official information on this impact, only my personal observations of lighter loads and some of the former regulars who are now MIA.

Fortunately, Amtrak is trying some market-friendly alternatives to help keep the lights on and the conductor's pensions funded: advertising. Not spending more money on advertising, but selling ads (hey, if it works for Google). The ads I'm talking about are actually more traditional than cyber. Think rolling billboard. Starting this week, Acela Express from D.C. running to Boston will be wrapped in advertisements for an upcoming History Channel Special, hosted by Tom Brokow. The subject is "1968" and we can expect to see the giant images of Richard Nixon, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King and Bob Dylan flash before our eyes. It should be particularly evident to our Delaware neighbors, since Amtrak rails parallels I-95 and makes the trains easily visible. As long as someone is willing to pay for the space, I'm sure there will be plenty more to come. I'd like to suggest two additional sources of free-market revenue for Amtrak: the Casino Car and "Acelerated", the work-out car. The rail casino could have one side for slots and the other side for blackjack. Create a partnership with a Native American tribe (I think Amtrak means "rolling in chips" in the Algonquin tongue) and give Donald Trump a management stake (picture The Donald plastered all over the outside of the car) and violla! Budget crisis solved in 120 days! My second solution caters to the time-conscious exerciser. What better way to chew up some miles during your commute and slip in a workout as well. The car could be equipped with steppers and ellipticals and maybe a compact weight station or two. Each user would be limited to twenty minutes or a half hour and equipment would be unlocked via credit card. Memberships could be sold and injury waivers would be signed as well. That should do it. Examples of the market at work and no need for escalating federal handouts or immediate in-your-pocket fare increases. As the Brits (who know a thing or two about trains) would say, brilliant!

Sour Gropes

2007-11-10T07:10:00.000-08:00

Saturday 11/10/07:

As crowded as Monday mornings appear, or as pushy a sold-out, night-before Holiday escape from Penn Station becomes, none of Amtrak's schedule can come close to the JR (Japan Railway) in Tokyo. Apparently, one of the unpleasant bi-products of this ant farm-like transit system is a bizarre propensity for male commuters to grope female railers. As if armpit-in-your nostril straphangers wasn't uncomfortable enough, throw in some unwanted bumping,grinding and grabbing to the mix for a real nightmare commute! According to recent reports, Tokyo is facing an epidemic of men who can't keep their hands to themselves. In a related survey, 64% of Tokyo women in their 20's and 30's reported that they have been groped on trains or subways.

One response created to offer some relief has been the creation of the "women only" car, a coach on the train available to female riders. Another has been the development of a free download for cell phones offered by game-maker Takahashi that will flash a bold series of questions. The application flashes increasingly threatening messages in bold print on the phone's screen to show the offender. These include "Did you just grope me?" It follows up with " Did you know groping is a crime?" and "Should we head to the police?" It has become the 2nd most popular download in Tokyo and 7th overall for the company. And while many young women are too embarrassed to take action, other are not. According to their most recent statistics, Tokyo Metropolitan Police reported 1,853 people were arrested in 2005 for groping passengers on trains in Tokyo. So how is one of these purvy gropers suppose to get his kicks? Well, leave it to Japanese ingenuity! How about the "Train Cafe", a real train car that provides a simulated train ride and where groping is allowed! This "escape" is provided just minutes from Tokyo's Ikebukuro station. The cost of a membership is $42 and each "ride" is $30. Along with servings of tea for $25, the 20-minute faux-commute departs every hour and serves up young women for the rider's groping pleasure! In addition to "company girls" who are dressed in school-girl outfits or aprons, other "normal" girls who hang out at the cafe after work, can jump on board and join in! Apparently, many members use this activity as a precursor for getting a date, going to dinner, and many report, a steady relationship that has led to marriage! This really brings new meaning to the commuters "daily grind."

Gravy Train

2007-11-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

Week Ending 11/8/07:

Fall has arrived and what better time to think of my three favorite "f" words: family, food and friends than the weeks leading up to the Holidays. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving and I had an early glimpse this week of times to come. Not that I'm looking forward to extra-packed trains filled with visitors to the City or travelers going home for the Holidays. One gentlemen, riding from Philadelphia to Washington, decided to get a jump on the season and brought almost a complete Thanksgiving meal with him on board. He was probably around 60, dressed in normal business attire, and average by all accounts. He had a large shopping bag which he sat on the seat next to him. Out of the bag comes a whole roaster chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry dressing and yes, pumpkin pie for dessert! And yes, he did eat the whole thing. I'm always amazed at the volume of exotic foods that passengers bring with them. Usually it's brought with its own unique aromas of spices depicting far away lands, and usually the aroma is pretty putrid! But I have to admit, the guy and his chicken really caught everyone's attention.

Loud Talkers

2007-09-15T05:09:00.000-07:00

Week ending 9/15/07:

"Do you hear yourself?" What use to be the question that moms would ask, I now claim as mine. People on the train continue to hold every imaginable type of cell phone conversation while on board. It doesn't matter how sensitive: business merger, legal, love-lorn and just plain-old angry. Don't they know that others are listening? Rather, can't help but listen because they are talking so loudly! Remember the close-talker from Seinfeld? Jerry should have covered the loud-talker. People can't get it through their head that they don't have to shout when using their cell phone. There was a recent story released about an actual disconnect that occurs between our ears and our mouths when using a device shaped like a cell phone. Apparently, some people really can't distinguish auditory currents, which creates a feedback response that makes the person raise their voice. In any event, too many railers on the railes, prompting the always annoying "can you hear me?" Of course they can hear you, everyone on this train can hear you! A guy this week (who's sitting three rows behind me) is talking to a friend about his recent trip to India. I swear it sounded like he's sitting on my shoulder! No such thing as intimacy, discretion or propriety. Just lay it out there for the world to hear. Scold a spouse, berate a child, humiliate an employee, brag about a conquest or threaten legal action with a business associate. Not that these devil-may-care attitudes are the exclusive purview of the aggressive tyrant. Loud talkers can also include those seeking forgiveness: a plea for leniency over a credit-problem, begging for attention from an apparently not-so-interested former paramour, or a rationalization of an infidelity are all part of the shared dialogue to which I've witnessed. Go ahead, keep on talking. Minutes are free after 7:00PM!

Sounds of Silence

2007-09-01T05:12:00.000-07:00

Week Ending 9/01/07:

When does silence make noise? When riding in the "quiet car." Of course, it's not really silence that's the standard, but rather a "library-like environment, no cell phones, no loud talking and no extended conversations." Most railers who seek the solitude of this rolling retreat (myself included) have the unrealistic expectation that we can take our seat and drift off to napville or focus on our reading assignment in quiet bliss. The irony of these misappropriated thoughts is that sound, no matter how reduced, still seems amplified when made in a relatively silent space. I guess that's why Amtrak has named it the "quiet car" and not the "silent car." Violators of the standing rules can be easily identified, admonished and if necessary, reported to the conductor. Most of the conductors do a pretty good job with enforcement of the policy. More difficult to police are the noisemakers who fall outside the protocol. They don't talk or use their phones, but disturb the peace, nonetheless. Snoring rolls like thunder out of some guys (sorry ladies, percentage-wise, you're still not equal in this department). Computer keyboards on some laptops, when left in the caffeine-fueled nimble digits of the typing-gifted, can sound like a flamenco performance. Tearing a newspaper, persistent smokers- hack, sorting through jumbo purses, the nerve shattering velcro-rip on some briefcases and even the squeaky seats that rattle as we roll adds to the disturbance. I guess expectations just have to be tempered to accommodate this reality. That, or the purchase of a noise-cancelling headset is the ticket.

Flipped Out

2007-08-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Week ending 8/18/07:

Shoes make the man. And the woman. The problem at this time of year, however, is they are hard to find. Not people, shoes! There seems to be more feet and less shoe! You know its summer because everywhere you look, you encounter the ubiquitous flip flop. Anyone old enough to know the term "gumshoe" now has a new context. These contemporary versions would have little luck sneaking up on anyone, not with the constant "flip flop" sound that betrays their every move.

The train "floppers" are even more annoying. They slow down the processional of trying to board or exit the train, always requiring someone having to stop to adjust a errant flop that didn't flip. With toes exposed, it's easier for loungers to put their feet up and relax. Just what the next rider wants, summertime feet all over the seat! I do get to witness a variety of toe exposure. Red toes, pink, purple, blue, green, gold and even black painted piggies. Not that I'm particularly interested, but it does create a temporary diversion to try and match a personality type to a person's toe color choice. And that wretched sound, it's maddening, like urban cicadas that chirp a rubberized million-mom march.

The worst by far are man-toes, whether possessed by genetically-cursed females or their toe-bearing brothers. Particularly offensive are the business suit men who feel compelled to complete their wall street look with flip-flops! The train does make announcements that "shoes must be worn at all times as you move about the coach". This is for the protection of the shoeless, claims the conductor. No doubt!I can only imagine these bear-footers wail once their toes were run over by one of the oversize tuba cases that double as a carry-on for some riders.

Social Insecurity

2007-05-20T06:39:00.000-07:00

Week ending 5/19/07:

As we chew up miles of track on the daily commute, I sometimes wonder "how in the world does The Department of Homeland Security keep tabs on this labyrinth of rail lines, both freight and commuter, that make up our nation's rail system?" I guess you know the answer. Let's face it, the so-called "security check" conducted on Amtrak is a joke. No screenings of passengers, no screening of luggage or packages (they don't even enforce the baggage size limitation). Even the announced "random ID check" is so random that it just about never occurs! Not that asking for a picture ID 1/2 hour or more AFTER the train leaves the station was ever any big deterrent or safeguard. These concerns were brought into focus for me this week on the evening trip back to Baltimore. There was a young man, mid-twenties or so, dressed in clothing that identified him as Muslim. He was accompanied by two young woman of similar age and dressed in long berkas. What created the alarm was their conversation in what sounded like Arabic, the young man praying, and his videotaping of several chemical plants in Delaware (these were the only things he taped during the trip). Several passengers were very uneasy with this routine, so they went and reported his actions to the conductor (Amtrak does advertise "if you see something, say something") as part of their security alert. The conductor acted appropriately and asked for their ID, which they produced in the form of passports. When we arrived at Wilmington, he alerted a cop who was patrolling the platform. The train was delayed for about 30 minutes while the cop went through whatever protocol was in place (he did remove the three from the train to continue questioning them). After that time, they were allowed back on the train to continue to Baltimore. The conductor (who I have come to know as a result of my regular railing on his train) shared with me that the guy's name came up on a "watch list" that the cop called in, but that his name was very common, similar to "John Smith", so there was no way of knowing whether he was just an unlucky innocent, or a world terrorist. The conductor said the cop had called ahead to see if they could get any additional information regarding their identity. Needless to say, that was not real comforting, but several of us decided to keep an eye peeled for trouble(like that was some real protection). Anyway, when we arrived in Baltimore, sure enough, these three people were greeted by some cops and two FBI agents. I continued on my way, so I don't know the outcome of their discussion. Anyway, I hope you get my point. If this was really a bad guy, maybe his research efforts were cut short and a planned attack was averted. Maybe he was only one of a number of similar events that has gone unreported or undiscovered. The commuter and freight systems (zinc chloride, phosphoric acid, choline gas, petroleum distillates, etc.) are one big nightmare of a potential HAZMAT disaster. One investigative reporter recently wrote of his escapades through the Northeast corridors' rail system when he demonstrated security breakdowns as he climbed HAZMAT trains and locomotives in various rail yards, videotaping derailing levers or peeking into signal boxes that control rail traffic, and never being stopped or questioned by workers who observed his actions! Yikes! It's only through the grace of God that we are spared! We need prayers, vigilance and a renewed call on public officials to make our rail system a priority security issue!

Wait Loss Clinic

2007-05-20T05:28:00.000-07:00

Week ending 5/12/07:

Nothing is more maddening than the inefficiency of the Amtrak ticket counter. Baltimore may be the worst, although NY may be a close runner-up! It never ceases to amaze me. Here's the scenario: arrive within 15 minutes of your anticipated departure and it will be a crap shoot, maybe you'll make it maybe you won't. Not because things were too hectic or too crowded, but just because the "reservation agents" didn't feel like doing much at that particular point in time. The reason they call them "reservation agents" is because they reserve the right to serve you! This can occur when there's only one or two people in line! These agents don't have a clue regarding customer service, or if they do, they simply don't care. Their process goes something like this: help one passenger get a ticket, then leave your station, walk around from counter to counter (at least three), go into the back room, come back, fumble with some stuff under the counter (purse, lunch bag, etc.). Now decide to move the bags, boxes, brochures or whatever, while the increasingly fidgety soon-to-miss-the-next-train passenger nervously keeps looking at his/her watch! Finally the agent is back at their computer terminal and the coup-de-grace occurs: they just stare into the terminal for about 5 minutes. What they are looking for I don't have a clue. Maybe the train schedule, maybe last night's lottery numbers or maybe the next vacation they are planning using their rapid reward miles from Amtrak. I don't know, but what I do know, is all of this happens while an otherwise needy passenger watches the minutes tick by, and you then hear over the loudspeaker that your train is boarding! Then and only then do you see that God-send from heaven: the lit up "Next" sign with he arrow pointing toward the appropriate counter. Then it's a mad scramble to see if you can make it. Unfortunately, the usual outcome is a race to he stairs that lead to the platform, only to see the doors slam shut and the train begins to pull away from the station as you cry out "No, wait!" And whoa unto those that cry out in protest to the reservation agent. Not only do they walk SLOWER and create more delays, but they remember you next time! You can be sure you have made their hit list and that ticket you need to re-write will all of a sudden, not be available. It will be sold-out! This routine could almost be forgiven if there were not several occasions where the agent stares out at the one or two people in line, and still decides to ignore them. The agent usually expresses no interest or remorse that their lack of attention may be a material factor in creating a bottleneck that keeps an otherwise important business transaction from happening. That short window of time that can mean the difference between making a meeting that closes the deal that day, or missing the opportunity and deferring to reach an agreement, maybe indefinitely, and maybe not at all! How much commerce is at stake? Such power! Such a loss!

Deaf Becomes You

2007-04-28T05:26:00.000-07:00

Week ending 4/27/07:

"What? I can't hear you. What did you say?" Get ready, because that will be the attempted conversation of the future. Unfortunately, a generation of deafness is being created right before our eyes. Truly a "Night of the Living Deaf." What can we point to as the catalyst? The ubiquitous iPod, turned up so loud that others don't need those little ear buds (other than maybe to try and block out the noise pollution created by the thumping beat or profane rap lyrics.) The music can be heard throughout a 4 or 5 seat radius on the train. Females seem to be more attached, and thus, more susceptible. These "dec-i-belles" must really love their tunes, demonstrated by the pump-up-the-volume tendencies. I can only imagine what it must sound like to the masochist torturing their ears. None of them seem to mind however. They keep toe-tapping and head-bobbing away, keeping the beat while their eardrums are blown out like the rear car speakers in a '91 Honda. All of this means the rest of us should be investing in the cocular implant business. The specialists relegated to treating these conditions will have to change their specialty to "iEars, nose and throat."

Lovers and Other Strangers

2007-03-24T13:22:00.001-07:00

Week Ending 3/24/07:
"I love you." "Luv you." "Love you too." With all this love in the world, one wonders how we have so much conflict. Of course, maybe folks really don't love everyone, but only those who make their cell phone address book. That's right, I'm talking about the almost universally accepted and expected protocol for ending a phone call. It's particularly evident when someone on the train makes or takes a call, which unfortunately, is almost always for some railers. What's more, we have become a nation of verbal exhibitionists, with no need or desire for privacy, just take that "verbal leak" anyplace we feel like it. The train offers little shelter to filter or shield our conversations anyway, whether intimate or not. Of course, no matter what the context or subject of the main conversation, always close with you know what. It has become epidemic. Wall Street types, hip-hop types, college kids, 20-somethings, 30-somethings, even sixty-somethings are caught in this cultural "cupidity." While we know virtually nothing about the person sitting next to us during our morning or evening commute, we should at least take some comfort in hearing their expression of affection for someone other than themselves. Of course, one can ponder whether these same mysterious creatures only slip the "L" word out there first, with the desire and need to hear someone acknowledge that they are the object of another's ardour. "Je t'aime, mon cherie."

De-Training

2007-03-18T05:52:00.000-07:00

Week ending 3/16/07:
Who knew there is such an art as "de-training"? Now, I'm not talking about riding the "D" train uptown (similar to the "A" train). Nor am I goofing on Herve Villechaize's immortal "De plane, boss, de plane" signature announcement from Fantasy Island. I'm talking about the conductor's announcements over the intercom system as we approach the next scheduled stop. The voice over the speaker dutifully instructs passengers to "get ready to de-train". That means we are to gather our bags and personal items from the overhead storage areas and be careful as we step from the train to the platform at the station, since there is a gap between the platform and train. This has to be accomplished in relative quick order, since some of the stops (Baltimore) are for only a two-minute respite and its easy to be trapped on board by packages, bags, strollers and other less-nimble trainees, so you have to hustle. These alerts are valuable guidance in this age of litigation, when personal injury is the result of too hot coffee, or cigarettes that force us to smoke. Lord knows what a jury would find for some real damages from, say, oh I don't know, maybe, ah, being cut in half by slipping in between the rails and the haven of the platform. It's a challenging art that requires honing through alertness, agility, co-ordination and moxie. Sensing just the right moment to bust a move: grab your coat, briefcase, shopping bags, newspapers, water bottle and any other remaining refuse, maneuver around other passengers who are trying to make it to the restrooms that reside close to the exit doors, or to the cafe car; but not too soon, or you'll be subject to the knee buckling, hyper-extending pre-stop jerk that lurches the train forward and can send the unprepared hurtling head-over-teacups. In any case, it's an interesting term. It's a made-up term that seems to qualify for the other d-lists we improvise and then find their way into a dictionary: de-ice, de-brief, de-glaze, and the ever popular, de-tox. Does it qualify that, as a former athlete, my lack of physical activity is now, yet another interpretation of "de-training"?

The Mask of Snorro

2007-03-10T06:55:00.000-08:00

Week ending 3/09/07:
"The fox so cunning and free,
Snorro, who makes his mark with a ZZZZZZ". "ZZZZZ's" as in snoring. This guy saws some lumber! He's one of our regulars on the morning shuttle. One thing he does enjoy is a good nap. He jumps on in Wilmington and hunkers down pretty quickly. He's a mid 50's white guy. Looks Greek to me. He wraps himself up in his overcoat (just like a big blinky), pulls out his inflatable faux zebra-fur neck pillow, and slips on his black sleeping mask. Within minutes, he's off to la-la land and the fireworks begin. Anyone who sleeps with a snorer knows what I'm talking about. A steady nasal snort and then, as if he's falling, an extended blast, which I would think would wake him up (it's loud enough to wake the dead), but no such luck with Snorro. I'm not sure if natural body sounds qualify as a violation of the "quiet zone" extended to the quiet car.

Some other morning regulars: The Biker, he's a middle-aged sort of out-of-shape guy that wears his Harley garb on a daily basis. He doesn't really look like a biker otherwise, and I'm not sure if he really rides a hog, but his outfit is always accompanied by high black leather boots (like the motorcycle cops wear) which make his jeans look like jodphers. I don't know about you, but I like to see bikers that look like they are out of central casting for a professional wrestling gig. Also on board is Mr. Blackwell, a meticulously-dressed, 70 year-old that looks like he's Orville Reddenbacher if Orville was an Orvis catalog model. Next, Mr. No-Socks, he's a 40-something Wall Street-type that wears a suit, and for some reason, feels compelled to put his socks on at the train station, rather than, say, when he gets dressed in the morning. Why, I don't know. But in summer and winter, he comes, bear-ankled and ready to expose his toes for show. Next is Nona The Hatchet Lady. Nona as in "no cellphones" and "no talking". She relishes in admonishing those who violate the quiet car rules. Not that I disagree in maintaining the quiet sanctuary, but it's her zeal for jumping into the fray that is so interesting. When she hears someone, she's out of that seat like a shot and in their face. She's a 40-something overweight white woman, who pulls her jet black hair up into a Dream of Jeannie high-knotted ponytail. Don't rub her the wrong way!

Trains Fat

2007-03-01T14:47:00.000-08:00

3/01/07:

In December, New York City's Board of Health unanimously approved an ordinance that prohibits NYC restaurants from serving cooked food in oil containing trans fat. My response: what about the trains? Does the elegant cafe car cuisine get a pass, or must it comply as well? Maybe there's some interstate commerce exemption, or maybe it only applies to the trains when they roll through any of the five boroughs? Maybe it doesn't apply at all? However, maybe it should! Any catalyst to improve the menu selections will provide welcomed relief. Now I must admit, I enjoy a jumbo all beef kosher hot dog, an artery-clogging processed jumbo cheeseburger, or a personal sized pepperoni pizza (with enough grease and oil to meet with my Audi's manufacturers' suggested two-year lubricant levels) as much as anyone. All of the above to be chased with a cold Heineken or two. And for the first, oh, 50 or 60 times you order, they are pretty tasty, but at this point in my continuing commuter saga, by the 500 or so round tripper, it becomes a little too much of a "good" thing! Almost, like, the thought of it makes me want to hurl. Not that the faire is limited to the three above-mentioned entrees. We also can select from the ever popular Sierra Chicken sandwich (don't ask), the turkey sub, spicy chicken wings, and the, dare I mention, tuna salad surprise! Additionally, I would be doing a disservice if I didn't mention the chicken Caesar salad (in support of the produce industry, we love PMA). Hopefully, this new response regarding trans fats will make its way to the Amtrak culinary kings, the ones who decide which company receives the food service contract and what should be included on the nightly menu. Think about it, trans fats are formed when liquid oils are made into solid fats by adding hydrogen in a process called hydrogenation. "Trains fatties" are formed when liquid carbs are supplemented with 50+ fat gram sandwiches in a process called inebriation.

Quiet Pirates

2007-02-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

Week ending 2/23/07:

Ah, the sounds of silence! Where are they when you need them. Nothing spoils a relaxing or productive rail ride than the loud talkers. Where is the mute in commute? These "quiet pirates" make it almost impossible to concentrate on finishing a work project, reading the paper or catching a quick nap. It's not regular conversation to which I'm referring. It's the bar room loud, happy hour scene that's annoying in this setting. The content of their conversations are bad enough (total nonsense for the most part), but the volume speaks volumes. My latest example this week was a gang of three, mid-thirty somethings on their way home from work. They were sitting in one of the quad seating areas (two rows facing each other) that creates a cozy little "den of inebriaty". These "three weird sisters" chortled and gaffawed over their calderon of Chardonnay. Every incident described by any one of them, average day events for us all, were enough to send these three into convulsions. "My Thanedom for a muzzle." "It's not the quiet car," I reminded myself, but in any case, there should be some common courtesy extended beyond the one tranquil-car capacity.

My second annoying example this week is a semi-regular from the morning jog. This guy is a "three-pete" (Monday,Wednesday,Friday) rider. He appears sane enough, an older dude from the Eisenhower administration era. He joins us in Wilmington, on his way to Gotham, and usually grabs a seat in the quiet car. He's well-dressed, almost natty, but not quite. He doesn't make any fuss until the far side of Trenton. Then he starts. I call him "Jack". "Jack the Ripper". He begins talking to himself (it's supposed to be your silent voice in your head, but it's not). He also has meticulously folded various sections of his newspaper, and that's when it really begins, the maddening RIPPING, RIPPING, RIPPING! He tears long strips of the paper, one slow pull at a time. Over and over and over and over! Sort of like nails on the chalk board. He neatly folds each strip and places them in the seat back magazine net. I've actually read of this obsessive habit. Some ad people have tracked it as a positive thing for helping folks identify bargains, tearing them out of the paper, and passing them along to others, thus giving an ad much broader exposure. At first I thought this was Jack's thing, but upon further observation, Not! He looks like it's a purposeful process, with specific targets in mind, but than he just folds them up and places them in the seat pocket. In any case, it's an annoying distraction, particularly magnified in an otherwise library-like quiet car. I'm hoping he or his newspaper subscription expires before too long (only kidding, sort of, no really, I mean it).

American Idle

2007-02-18T13:31:00.000-08:00

2/18/07:

Time is a luxury to be enjoyed, however part of that enjoyment could be realized by doing something more than brain-numbing phone chatter. Now, let's define "idle": the act of doing nothing or no work. While I may receive some jeers from those Bertrand Russell's In Praise of Idleness fans, clearly, a pet peeve of mine are the trainees who can't sit for five minutes without calling one of their peeps to check in. Now I'm not one of these over-achieving, gotta-be-productive-every-second fanatics (I do love a necessary nap), but there's gotta be something more fulfilling than the phone party every mile of the journey! It doesn't have to be work, reading something (People or Us Weekly qualify, I think), writing, solving a Su Doku, or watching a movie seems more enjoyable. At least, it's more enjoyable for any of us who are forced to listen.

Bag Ladies

2007-02-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

Week ending 2/16/07:

This weeks' ice and snow proved a daunting challenge that forced the faithful to endure a schedule of delayed or cancelled trains. All appointments be damned! We'll get there when we arrive! The weather, coupled with the President's Day extended weekend, brought the trains that were running, to maximum capacity. Which brings me to my theme today: why do riders ignore the baggage restrictions when getting on the train? Answer: because they can. No one seems to enforce any of the so-called regulations. Every other woman rider appeared to be hauling a double-steamer sized wheeled shin crusher (what occurs when one of these monsters smash the blameless, as they try to squeeze down the aisle and your leg happens to get in the way). The "official" baggage limit is 50 lbs. and these crates have to go 90 to a buck twenty! I know because I volunteer to help move these bags out of the way when they wind up creating a traffic jam in the aisles that prohibits others from getting to a seat. They are hazard-inducing on a couple of levels: they hog up way too much space in the car; they create unnecessary congestion; and they are an accident waiting to happen, as everyone pushes to get down an escalator to board the train. With the crowds and these bag ladies dragging coffin-sized "carry-ons", totally unaware that other passengers are an inch away from doing a header over the bag, it's "rider beware"! The fact that no Amtrak official ever intervenes on excess baggage brings up another topic related to security on the trains in general. We'll save that one for another time.

Rail Thin

2007-02-09T14:50:00.000-08:00

Week of 2/9/07:

Fashion Week was filling up the pages of the Post and Daily News. This made for some interesting looking new riders on the train and waiting to board at Penn Station. I use the term "board" ironically, since by the look of these waifs, they haven't used but a fraction of their "room and board" allowance! This reminds me of my favorite model joke: a model walks into a party and announces "I'm starving, I'm so hungry I could eat half a sandwich." I'm talking willowy! One young cat walker was particularly memorable. She was probably 6'3'' in fashionable flats. Wild, long, curled jet black hair that looked like Cher from her battleship video. She had to be all of a size "0" (can you be a minus 1?) in her black jeans with legs the circumference of my arms. She was carrying all the model accessories (water bottle, huge over sized shoulder bag that cost more than my first car, latest issue of Us magazine), and a look that was sort of Angelina Jolie if she was in Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. She remained glued to her cell phone. Other fashionistas were a little less striking, but just as narrow of hip. The up side is you can fit 4 or 5 of them in a row that is designed to hold two "normal" adults. I find the whole model size controversy magnified with people like Tyra Banks appearing all over the news to show her new, plumper self and the predictable demise of Anna Nicole Smith, the pathetic train wreck (no pun intended) and Trim Spa spokesmodel.

Ice Ice Baby

2007-02-09T14:10:00.000-08:00

Week ending 2/9/07:

"When the wind blows, the cradle will rock", except this "cradle" was rocking into a strong headwind! The trains were all behind schedule this week. The single digit mornings that didn't break freezing marks all day make stuff run poorly on the train. Switches don't switch, signals don't signal and catenary electrical overhead systems don't stay connected. Monday's normal 5.5 hour round tripper was 7.5 hours! The rest of the week was not as bad, but still one slow ride. Thinking of lullabies reminds me that this was also one tough ride for the bambinos on board. Maybe it was the cold, but those little love nuggets were wailing up a storm. Just what the gang wants to hear after a long day at the salt mine. Mothers tried to keep those puppies pacified, but demonstrated little success. One more reason to dream of Spring!

Girls Just Want to Have Phone

2007-02-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

Week ending 1/12/07:

Ah, the cell phone. One of the eight wonders of the modern world. I recognize the role that this ubiquitous device plays in society around the globe. However, as we get back to work and look forward to a happy, healthy and productive 2007, can the simple task of riding a train for a modest period of time without a phone (or bluetooth headset) attached to one's face be too much to ask? And I ask, "what is so freaking important that people can't get by without staying connected to Mom, Mindy, Moesha, Margarita, Muffy, Michelle, Miguel and Maxwell?" It beats me, and sorry ladies, but XX chromosomes seem to have this "need to speed dial" embedded in their DNA. It's particularly evident when Amtraking. Young girls, College girls, Ivy-educated career girls, housewife girls, and matronly grandmother girls all share the gene. Not all women, I grant you are guilty, and there are some XX-men that exhibit the behavior, but the vast majority of the ever-chatty train phonies are of the female persuasion. I could maybe understand if the content of these "can't wait" conversations was an engagement (the marrying kind), a death, a big promotion, a big firing, or a baby, but come on!!! Must we all be exposed to "yeah, I'm on the train, it's pretty hot/cold today, I saw Mimi the other day, what are you doing tonight, etc., etc., etc. " This exchange doesn't happen once, but is repeated to multiple entries in their address book and it's only 7:00 A.M. Give me a freakin' break! A typical morning on the 170 to NY finds me always amazed at why many other riders cannot just take advantage of the time to themselves: read a book, read a newspaper, write a letter, pay some bills, take a nap, or prepare a report are just a few ways to enjoy the ride. The quiet car provides some sanctuary, but if you do need to keep your phone on in the event of a business or family emergency, then it would be nice to not have to sit through an exhibition of Ms. Chatty Cathy burning through her monthly minutes. I believe that to be left alone with your thoughts is a scary place for some people to visit. As a result, a constant distraction is necessary and meaningless banter is a great way for them to pass the time!

Rude & Crude

2007-02-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

Week Ending 1/26/07:

It's a packed train about 6:30 PM. We're headed south from NY to D.C. A guy was seated three rows in front of me and had commanded both seats. He decided to get comfortable. Off went his shoes, on goes his computer with some Rush Hour type of movie blazing. He pulled out dinner and sets up across both seats and tray tables. He's in a suit, apparently going home after either a day in the pit or a job interview. He's a white guy of average build and appeared to be in his mid-to-late-twenties. The entitlement generation! He doesn't fit any stereotypes of someone who may start trouble, like a biker, gang member or old man who's soup has to be sent back at the diner. He believed his train ticket entitled him to provide himself whatever entertainment or distraction he pleased. Other riders be damned! He had his movie on full volume, every mind-numbing explosion, car chase and inane exchange of dialogue to be "enjoyed" within a ten-row radius. After about ten minutes, an Asian guy sitting across the aisle who was trying to get some work done, peers over at the perp with a thinly-veiled look of disdain. Almost instantly, the jerk with his movie becomes Ratso Rizzo and his "I'm walking here" rant. "What are you looking at", he snarled. "Don't be giving me any weird looks, pal". "I have a ticket and I'm enjoying my dinner", he announced to anyone within earshot. "If you don't like it, there's a quiet car in the back. Go have a seat there." Well there goes the neighborhood! Several of my equally-disturbed railers decided we were going to let this guy know the rules. Each of us jumped up, and "politely" informed him that he needed to have a headset in order to be listening to a movie, and if another passenger can hear the story, then the volume is too loud. The deaf and the dumb didn't want any part of this group intervention, but was basically giving us all the finger by continuing his movie. He challenged any of us to go report him to the conductor if we had a problem, and several of us said "no problem with that". A business-type guy got up and went to find the conductor. The perp sat there smugly and running his mouth about how he's had a long day, and no one was going to stop him from relaxing on his way home. The conductor arrived and laid out the rules, just as we had described them. The perp began to argue with the conductor. To his credit, the conductor kept his cool. Many of the conductors are pretty soft spoken and meek, a few are not. This one was in charge! After a few minutes of listening and trying to reason with our perp, the conductor laid it straight out: turn it off or he'd be thrown off the train at the next stop. The inconsiderate bastard decided he better chill, but was just burning over his public humiliation. The guy decided to act out his aggression by talking to himself in a loud voice and calling his friends on his cell phone to communicate his ordeal. He talked on his cellphone and put it on speakerphone the whole way to Philly, where he referred to everyone around him as m.f'ers and assholes. He didn't want to actually become physical, and I didn't want an assault charge waiting for me, so I decided to chalk it up to the spirit of diverse community that develops in the public square. He got off the train in Philly and we returned to Pleasantville!

Mr. Impropriety

2007-02-03T19:01:00.000-08:00

Week ending 2/2/07:
Why do some people believe total strangers are interested in their life story? Some guy got on in Newark on his way to D.C. He was sitting across the aisle. No sooner did he sit down, but he felt compelled to start his rap. His name was Ned. He was coming back from a business meeting. Going to D.C. to fly to Chicago, his home. He couldn't wait to get home to see his new girlfriend (the guy is probably mid 50's, wearing a suit). He's going through a divorce, but his soon-to-be ex is a gem! He has a great relationship with her. He just knows they'll remain best friends! Yeah right! He travels all the time for business. And, oh, by the way, do I mind holding his seat while he goes to the cafe car, 'cause he needs a drink? Before I can answer, he's off. Back in 10 with two vodkas. Boy, I'm glad that his cocktails really got him to open up. On and on with way too much information, and never once having it cross his mind that (a) it's really inappropriate to spill your guts to total strangers; and (b) who gives a shit; and (c) other people are busy with more important stuff to do and unless your condemned to a nursing home with nothing but time, than that's the only way someone may be able to listen to this dribble. Another trip to the bar and more personal confidental. Finally I had to turn my light off and act like I've crashed. As I peek out of one eye I see and then hear him lean over the seat in front of him "Hi. My name is Ned, I'm on my way to D.C........"